Thursday, September 29, 2011

Guys, This One's (probably) Not For You

Driving home with the scent of Lila’s Rain filling the air. Such an emotional week. Such a fitting name for a coffee on a day when blue skies do their best to burn away the clouds, lighting and thunder in my head.

It all started with a routine exam, about as enthralling as a trip to the dentist. And it hasn’t yet ended. But in between, the focus on asking for me to provide "excellent" feedback on how the workers performed their jobs, as well as seeing a plaque regarding how they, indeed, have a high amount of excellent ratings was, and remains, the least of my concerns. I’d rather deal with a bad bedside manner than a cheery disposition providing an incorrect diagnosis. I’d rather see a plaque boasting lives saved by early and accurate detection.

But once the pictures came back, all that changed. Obligatory care and concern turned more genuine. And my sense of what tomorrow will be is now muddied and muffled. The sight of pink ribbons are sure to taunt me at every turn while I wait.

And I wait. I’m a GenXer. I’m “young”. Well, “young” for this sort of journey, so I’m told.

Next week will tell what path I will be placed on. The chances are good it will be back to life as usual. Writing. Creating. Increasing awareness and acceptance of Asperger's. Having less disdain for all the paperwork that comes with running your own business, no matter how small or “on the side” it may be. Relishing every meltdown my teen is sure to display.

I’ve said itbefore and I’ll say it again: not knowing is worse than knowing. The fear of the unknown often supersedes the fear you can touch.

And this may be nothing but something taking my mind off of everything for a few days. But with October around the bend, I felt some unknown compulsion to write this. I’m not a big “ribbons” person. I don’t choose to wear or display them. And I doubt that will change. But I am an advocate of taking care of yourself.

It’s almost October. Get checked.

And, as for me, until the next round of tests are performed then analyzed, it’s back to work.

edited: thanks to all who expressed care and concern! my test were fine, but I feel for the many women who went home with different results.


  1. Praying for you to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. You will not walk this road alone for He will always be right beside you. I will also pray for how to communicate this to your daughter as well as for how she tells you what she is thinking.... those thoughts can sometimes hurt (no matter that the pain is unintentional). Reading this post took my breath away - I don't even know you; but through the story of your daughter and the similarities that exist between our girls I feel like I've known you for years. Praying....

  2. Thanks, Angie. Your concern truly means a lot. K knows. If she was younger, I don't think I would say anything yet. Besides, everything might be fine; around 80% are. My main concern for her is anxiety/worry. And she is concerned. I won't be talking about it much around her unless she brings it up. No sense feeding the worry. I've decided not to link it to the FB page, since kids also read it. No sense getting them "thinking" about their moms! :)

    If this post helps others to take care of themselves, and catch something early, then it's worth it.

    Again, thanks, Angie!

  3. Julie, I am thinking about you and sending you light and positive energy that everything will turn out fine. I am reading between the lines about what is going on and pray that all will be well. Keep us posted, Julie!

  4. Thanks, everyone! Your care and concern mean a lot. I now have results, and things turned out ok. :) (I'd be lying to say the procedure was a piece of cake. Don't want to go through that again!) Still, it is tough knowing that some women went in there over the past few weeks, and did not receive the same results. Makes you stop and think.